My thoughts have been filled with missionary things lately. Skirts and dresses, preach my gospel and scriptures, mission calls and maps, pointing out the 300+ places I could be assigned to labor. I have gotten very little sleep lately, because I have been laying in bed, wide awake, thinking about what I am getting myself into. The reality of my mission call is real ladies and gentlemen. I finished my mission papers last week, and now all I do is wait. Wait for paper submission, wait for my call. Wait for the temple. Wait for the MTC.
Lots of waiting.
As I wait though, I have been thinking of many things, and my heart has learned so much the past few months. In reality, it was this past weekend that I learned the most, and came to the realization that serving the Lord is exactly what I want to do right now. On Saturday, my ward had a baptism for a girl named Angelica. She is here on a work visa from Brazil, and is the sweetest spirit ever.
I was blessed to be able to be present as she bravely entered the waters of baptism. Her service was so beautiful and spiritual. The spirit testified to me that baptism is so important, and I was brought to tears as I was moved by the Holy Ghost. I was sitting one row behind Angelica, and was able to watch her feel the love that heavenly father has for her. I was amazed at how graceful the spirit weaved in and out of everyone in that stake center.
There was a moment where Ilyssa, a girl in my ward with an incredible singing voice, sang a song called the painters hands. The music was incredible, and made all of us cry. The words touched each of us, as we all learned that we are being sculpted by our master, and someday, we will all be perfect masterpieces. Here is the best part: Angelica is learning English. It was difficult for her to understand what was being said in the song, but her spirit recognized the truth of the words, and she had big tears rolling down her cheeks. The spirit only needs truth. It doesn't need flowery words, or elaborate things, just the plain and simple truth that Christ is our savior, and through Him, anything is possible. It truly was a humbling experience, and I was feeling so spiritually fed. After the baptism was over, all I could keep thinking was how excited I am to witness precious, once in a lifetime moments like this all the time while I am on my mission.
While sitting there in the same place I was baptized 7 months before, I just kept thinking to myself. Where would I be if I hadn't of gotten baptized? Would I still be investigating and praying? Would I have made the choice to live a sober life? The answers to these questions haunted me. I didn't like what I imagined in my head. I was a mess before I joined the church. Not a mess like a meth addict... but I was without a doubt a hot mess of crazy. My life was literally going no where. And I was in so much pain from all the relationship problems I had managed to escape by some miracle. I was lost and confused, and I couldn't see a way out.
And then, I learned about the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Two missionaries, followed a referral from Mormon.org and came to my door. I was ready to try one more time, and really see if it was all true. I threw all the misconceptions I had heard about the church out the window, and opened my heart to what they had to say. The feeling the spirit gave me in that lesson was exactly as how I imagined Angelica felt during the song that was sung at her baptism. I KNEW. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God wanted to forgive me for my sins, and heal me from my pain, and because He wanted these things and loved me so dearly, He gave me his son. Christ died not only for my sins, but also for my heart ache, and my sorrow, and my confusion. For everything I have felt, I have a savior who knows EXACTLY what I went through. I could feel the spirit testify to me this very simple truth and I am forever grateful for that moment. I will never forget it.
As I prepare to submit my mission papers (62 days and counting), I do my best to think about this one thing every day. How can I preach the gospel of change to others, if I haven't witnessed its changing affects in my own life? How can I be passionate, if I overlook the very moment my testimony grew from a seed to a tree? The reality of this, is I cant be a missionary if I forget all of this. If I put the atonement of Christ on the back burner, my mission will become an 18 month waste, where I walk around just as blank and lost as before.
I cant forget Gods love. I wont forget it. I have been made beautiful and pure through baptism, I have stepped foot on the path back to my Father, and there is plenty of room for others to step on too. I cant wait to serve the Lord, and bring His children the happiness and the freedom I have been given. I love this gospel with everything I am, and with everything I have the potential to become.
I know that God restored this gospel to its fullness, through the prophet Joseph Smith, and because this happened, I can read my Book of Mormon every day, feel the spirit and gain a testimony all over again. I know Jesus Christ is my redeemer. I am no longer feeling hopeless and afraid. God is so good. His grace is a gift of strength, and I feel it every day. I feel it now.
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