Answered Prayers and Gaurdian Angels

This past Tuesday was one of the craziest days I have had in a long time. It wasn't that work was extra hard, or anything in particular was more stressful. I just came to a sudden realization that getting myself to the mission field might be harder than I had anticipated.

My car had stopped running on Sunday. I had been having some problems with the battery, or so I thought. Turns out that the refurbished battery in my car had died two weeks after I had gotten it, and the problem was the alternator, and in order to get that fixed, I needed to replace the battery-and the refurbished replacement wasn't going to do me any good. I needed a new battery but I couldn't afford it, so I swapped out the battery for another refurbished battery free of charge, and let my car sit hopelessly in my parking lot. It would start, but I couldn't risk taking it very far in case it decided to die again.

I was feeling worried. How would I pay to fix the car? I don't want to leave for the mission field, thinking my mom is walking to work every day, or that she is driving an un safe vehicle around. Realistically it isn't something I should worry too much about. It wasn't really my car, I was just using it for the mean time. I could agree to walk or take the bus, and let my mom take care of the problem. I just couldn't do that though, I just couldn't. I agreed to help her out as much as I could to ease some of her stress, and this was something I automatically took upon myself. All day at work I was thinking to myself, How will I get this car fixed with no money? How will I pay off my school loan if I have to fork over $200+ to fix the car? Is this a road block put in my life telling me it is not right to serve a mission? Should I wait to serve a mission until I have everything under control? Will I ever get to serve? I started to panic. I desire so badly to serve a mission. I have been praying for months about serving, I have fasted every fast Sunday to get an answer. The moment I received my answer I made preparing to serve a priority. I made a list of things to do, in order of what needed to be done, made a list of expenses.... Things were going great! I had been offered some help to fund the mission, I talked to my bishop, and things were coming together. Fast!

The car is not that big of a deal. There are people willing to fix it for me, willing to help me pay for things, willing to help my mom and I out. Yet, somehow I could not see the way out. All it seemed to me was that I was standing in front of a hurdle I was too short to get over. All I want to do is serve a mission, and I knew, with everything, that the Lord needed me to serve a mission. The MTC is all I could see. Why was I feeling so discouraged about something so trivial?

On the way home from work on Tuesday, while walking from the bus stop to my apartment, I was praying, very fervently, sincerely, and out loud. I noticed people staring at me as I walked, because it looked like I was talking to myself. I was praying so hard, begging for help, begging to see a way to get me on a mission. I knew God was walking right there with me, I felt his presence, I felt Him listening to my worries. It was the only time that whole day I felt any peace.

I awoke this morning feeling defeated. I was tired, I was frustrated. I was fighting a battle in my head to make myself go to work. I wanted to go back to sleep and stay there. I kept saying "no way is the adversary winning today. I am fighting this, and I am going to win."
I didn't know what my day would be like, but I knew I needed to push through it, and find a tender mercy, because I knew it was there somewhere.
Turns out, God had placed a guardian angel in my life. My car problem is no more a worry. I no longer have to wonder how I am going to pay for it, or how it will be fixed.
I begged for help, I begged for a miracle, and upon His will, He blessed me. A family friend insisted on buying a new battery and a new alternator, just as long as we could find someone willing to do the work. My mom fought a little, but eventually gave in to the offer, realizing it was an answer to both of our prayers.
When my mom told me that we had gotten the help we needed, I heard a small voice tell me "Everything will be okay. You will serve a mission. Trust that I am mindful of you." tears swelled my eyes. I had no idea how I would move past this road block, and I knew that it would only be with the help of heavenly father that I would be able to do it.

God often works through others to answer our prayers and bless us. I am too prideful to really ask for financial help, and when I had reached out to people in and outside of my ward, I had gotten no response. I thought that God was trying to tell me something. I notice now that the adversary was working against me because he doesn't want me to serve a mission and bring others to this happiness. He doesn't want others to know the truth. My faith is too strong to be blown away like a leaf in the wind though, and I was fighting to be on God's side.

Heavenly Father is mindful of his children. He knows what we need, and He knows how to get us to where He needs us to be. I know that we have ministering angels on earth and on the other side of the veil. We have help, and it is everywhere. Sometimes I cant understand but I know it is real and that God is not the only one watching over us. I know that He loves all of us, and that sometimes, all we need to do is trust Him, and have faith. I testify this is true, even though it is difficult. God wont command us to do something without providing a way to help us be successful. When I was feeling overwhelmed and discouraged, I trusted Him and loved him enough to take my problems to Him, and He showed me the way.
I am so thankful that I am a daughter of God, and that He will provide a way to get me on a mission. I am on the Lords errand every day, and I know I have his help.

I cant believe how blessed I am.


If you want to help donate to my missionary cause visit the page below!
http://www.gofundme.com/futuremissionary

I need prayers.

I have been contemplating when I will make myself available for a mission. Between school, work, and financial things that are keeping me from moving forward, I have been really stressing about when is right to leave.
I came to the conclusion that April 1st is really the soonest I will be available to go, because I pay the last month of rent on my lease March 5th. I have from that week until April 1st to move my mom into a one bedroom apartment that she can afford, or find someone to move into my room and rent it out and help my mom pay the rent.

I am all about deadlines. I need to know how long I have to do something, and when it needs to be done. So, I did the research. According to lds.org, I can submit my paperwork 120 days prior to my availability date, which puts the submission of my mission papers to SLC on December 2nd, 2013. This is the soonest I can submit my papers. If December is when I submit them, then November is when I start preparing them. If all goes according to my plan, I will have received a call by the middle of January, and be gone by the end of April.

So lets just lay this out here.

November 10th (give or take) - Prepare the papers. Get all medical stuff finished by
December 10th - I Submit my missionary recommendation papers into Salt lake City
(giving myself a few extra days to make sure all my interviews are in order)
January 31st- Assuming it takes a little longer than normal due to the huge wave of missionaries, I will hopefully have received a call by this time.
February 23rd- One year as a member. I prepare for the temple any day now!
Hopefully come April I will be in the MTC.

In this small time frame I need to pay off my school loan, a traffic ticket, move, get all my clothing and everything that is necessary for an 18 month mission, fix the alternator in my car that went out on Sunday... I am no where near any of these goals financially, but I know I need to go on a mission.
I have been blessed with friends who are willing to help fund the mission, and a chance to make some money to pay off my school loan in February. But what about my car?  without a car I cant attend the mission prep classes, or my meetings for school. What about moving? A year ago we couldn't find an affordable place to go that would take my mom with her credit, how will I have any luck now????


STRESSED does not even begin to describe how I feel right now.

I have been trying to get in some photography sessions, but no one wants to book me. That would be a great and rewarding way to earn some money.

come to find out someone who is new to the photography field, has been bashing me on her facebook, and lots of people have canceled their appointments with me to go to her. I knew this girl briefly in MIDDLE SCHOOL....
When girls older than you, who are married and have children act that way its quiet astonishing. But that is beyond the point. She is taking people who might be willing to help me out, by being unnecessarily mean.

I have been working my butt off at work, trying to be made full time or to earn extra hours, but my boss knows I am preparing to serve a mission, and rumor has it he is not sure what to do with me. Does he let me work as much as I can until I leave? Or does he let me go now, so he can get someone in who is going to stay. Getting extra time seems rather pointless, but I am trying so hard.

I have been praying really hard, keeping my eyes open to options, but so far have seen nothing. So many things are piling up at one time, I can feel the adversary using everything he has got to keep me from going. I refuse to put off serving a mission. Plain and simple. But where do I begin?
I thought I had a plan, and then the car broke down. And my hours started to look whimsy. I have became desperate, crying on my knees EVERY NIGHT praying that some miracle will work its way into my busy life.

I am basically writing this post to rant. I am frustrated, but remaining faithful. I am sad that this is so hard, but that is the proof that I am going where the Lord needs me. Life is not easy. Christ didn't have it easy, why would I have it easy?

I need prayers.

I need help.

I am drowning in this crazy mess. I have no way to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.
Perhaps I am being dramatic, or have been overlooking the answers. I have no idea at this point.

All I know is that I need to serve a mission. It needs to happen soon!

Please pray.

Fear, doubt and faith.... they dont mix

It is natural to doubt. Doubt is really apart of faith. At one point I doubted the Book of Mormons authenticity, I doubted the church, and look at me now! I have doubted myself and my abilities, and because of my new found faith, I have overcame them.
Yes, doubt is a tool of the adversary, and yes, we know God doesn't give us doubt. But we are human, we are imperfect, and we are out in the open for the adversary to grab us. Even Sariah, Lehi's wife, demonstrates some doubt in the beginning of the Book of Mormon. She fears her children perished in the wilderness, and she did not receive a witness until after the trial of her faith, when her sons returned safely with the plates in hand.
If anyone is reading this blog and thinking,"wow, I have never felt afraid or full of doubt, the adversary must have never had an effect on me!" I would love to speak with you, and find out how you move forward so perfectly, and stay out of Satan's grasp. Then, I will tell you that I know you are bluffing!

I am sure at some point we all have felt afraid to move forward in faith. After all, we read in Alma 32:21, that faith is hoping for things which are not seen, but are true. Sometimes taking a step in the dark, is scary. We are afraid we are going to trip and fall, hurt ourselves and never find the light switch. My choice to serve a mission has kind of been like that.

I can feel the adversary at his best, let me tell ya.

I prayed for months to receive an answer. I really do want to serve, and I want to know what God's will is for me. Telling people about my choice has been for the most part happy. My friends, and my bishop have been overwhelmingly supportive about my choice. I think Bishop Reynolds even used the term 'tickled pink' to describe how he felt. My mom, sad about the missionary rules of contacting home, and a little scared, is for the most part supportive. She will really have an empty nest when I leave, and it will take getting use to. It makes me feel sad, that it will be so hard on her. She is not a member of the church, and without the testimony of missionary service and the understanding of its importance, watching her daughter leave to serve the Lord for 18 months will bring up a lot of emotion. To be honest, I fear she will blame the church for 'taking' me away from her, so I am doing the best I can to explain that this is my choice, and the Lord's will for me. Over time, she will see how happy I am, and how much good I am doing. Or at least I can have faith the Lord will make his hand obvious in her life, while I am away. I love my mom so much, and leaving her will be the hardest thing for me to do--but the Lord's way is not always the easiest way. As I read in 1 Nephi 3:7, the lord has prepared a way for me to follow his command, and part of that preparation, is making sure she is taken care of; and my baby kitty too.

I have been letting go of the fears this past week. Leaving my mom, and my kitty, my friends, and my relationship,... My job was one of the things that was holding me back too.  I am making good money, getting good training I haven't been able to find anywhere else, and I worked so hard for so long to get here. years actually. I love being a dental assistant, I love my pay checks, my schedule, and even though my doctor drives me crazy, I love the guy too. I have been talking to my co workers about the possibility of a mission for quiet some time. Today when I came in, I told Roberta that I had made my final choice, and I was going to serve, the look of sheer panic came over her.
"What about me!? you cant leave me all alone in this office!"
"What does this mean? When do you leave?"
I felt bad. I felt like I was leaving everyone in the office hanging by a string when I told them. I don't know when exactly I leave, nor do I know where I am going or when I will actually leave work and turn in my notice. I have been in charge of stuff in the office no one really knows how to do. It was a bit of a nightmare. I still have yet to tell my boss... I probably wont tell him until I send in my papers in a few months.
I felt sad when I sent in the request for the office picture to be printed to hang in our office. There I am, part of the team, and it has taken me months to feel that way. Not too far from now, the picture will have to be replaced, because I will no longer be here. Am I really giving up something I worked so hard for, to leave it all?

yep. I sure am.

This is hard. This is terrifying. I start my count down Friday, as I begin studying Doctrine and Covenants, one section a day, until President Jones hits the 'submit' button and my papers go to salt lake. The realization is hitting me a bit more every day. Sometimes in waves of excitement, as I read missionary letters I receive. I read emails and blogs from the friends I have currently serving, and I fall in love with missionary work. My mind travels to the not so distant future, where I am crashing on my bike, getting doors slammed in my face, and teaching with the spirit to everyone I meet. I am excited!
But then, I think about packing, and the final days leading up to my departure out of Colorado.
I think about the tears I will shed when I say good bye to my family and friends. I think about the day I walk out of my work building for the last time.

I have heard some people say, "don't worry, you have plenty of time. You don't prepare your papers until December, that is only 4 months away."

What on earth are they talking about.

I have so much to do between now and January when my papers are in. That is not a lot of time. AT ALL. And anyone who has made the choice to serve, especially sisters, knows how scary and difficult the choice can be.

In my scripture studies the past couple of days, I have seen so many connections to missionary service. The Lord is doing what is necessary to prepare me for this endeavor. I am scared, but He is confirming to me that this is right for me-- and I have found some peace in the midst of it all. I am happy and anxious, and I have been given a timeline, and an order, to keep me occupied and on top of things, to help ease the nerves.
I have been given help to fund my mission, just when I feared I would not have any opportunity to go because of money. Heavenly Father is SO mindful of me. The truth is, He is mindful of all His children, and He knows exactly what they need. My faith will deliver me from fear and doubt; I know this is true.
I know this church is true. Despite what many will say, no matter how often I get rejected and scoffed at, I know this gospel is real.
Christ did not have it easy, this we all know. As a representative of Christ, I will be of no exception.
This will be the hardest thing I ever do.
But I will be blessed, and as I stand up for God and His gospel, He will be on my right hand and on my left, gently guiding me to whom He has prepared.

I am ready for this. Almost. (:

I hope they call me on a mission

I have been feeling so close to the spirit the last few days, its unreal. After months of praying about whether or not I should serve, I got an answer. Little did I know the Lord has been preparing me this whole time, and I was just overlooking the small and simple things!

Since the moment I became a member of the church I have felt impressed that I should serve. In my defense, I had no idea it was a prompting, because I still hadn't learned how I receive revelation, nor was I listening to what the lord wanted for me-- I still was worrying about my own plan and what I wanted for myself.
I was getting my answer confused, overlooking all the sure signs of my future service, and ignoring them.

Bad Angelena! never ignore or put off a prompting!

It all started when I prayed the hardest I had ever prayed for an answer; I remember crying because I just needed to know! That night, I had a dream, that I was walking in what looked to me like Germany, or Italy, with cobblestone ground and rustic buildings. I went and tracted to a door and a woman answered and invited me in. She went into her kitchen to get some hot drinks, and I had a prompting to pray. I got on my knees, and said a prayer, and when I stood up I walked over to her fire place mantle to see pictures of her family strung about. I had noticed that there was only one picture of a little boy, and a bunch of other children. She came back and we sat on the couch, and I immediately told her about how families can be together forever because of the gospel. She began to cry, and she took my hand and said "I have been praying for an answer, see, my oldest child passed away when he was very young, and I have been in pain ever since." I don't remember the remainder of the dream, but her words are clear as a bell, and the spirit I felt, even asleep, was so surreal. I couldn't stop thinking about my dream. Was it an answer to my prayer I had spoken the night before?

Not too long after that I was called as a ward missionary, to help the missionaries and our members to get excited and fired up about missionary work! I can admit, I did think that maybe there was some coincidence there, and maybe, this was just another sure sign. I remember praying and telling God that if he didn't make it obvious, I was more than likely going to miss my answer and not serve. I can also admit that I was hoping he would disguise my answer a little bit. Serving a mission terrifies me. Being away from home for a year and a half, no facebook, texts, family or friends. No girls nights, no naps, no baby kitty (yeah, I am a cat lady), or anything else. It is a serious commitment, and even though I had committed to give the rest of my life to the Lord at baptism, for some reason, serving him for a 18 months seemed to be more than I could handle.

I kept having feelings that overwhelmed me a little; like preparing for the temple. I knew I should start the process.

I thought that meant prepare for marriage,... can you blame me!?

So I began to date, and lose the mindset of a missionary.

Worst mistake I have made since my baptism.

I noticed I wasn't feeling the guidance of the spirit as often or as strongly, and my judgment seemed to be cloudy. I was struggling to hold my head above water, resist temptation, and feel the fire that I was feeling just weeks before. I began praying to know why on earth I was feeling the way I was, and how I can fix it. I wanted to be burning with the light of Christ again, but I couldn't put my finger on it! It didn't take too long, for me to realize the only thing I was doing differently was preparing myself for a mission. um, DUH! I began to ponder, and question why I was so afraid to serve. What was it that intimidated me so much?

Then I met Josephine, an incredible woman in Michigan, who contacted me after a piece of advice I left on an LDS page on facebook. For whatever reason, out of many who bore their testimony and offered up ways for her to learn more about the church, she contacted ME. I was more than happy to email her back and fourth and answer all her questions to the best of my ability. I didn't notice at the time, but I was sharing the gospel with her like Elder Pedro and Elder Fidika had taught me to do, straight from PMG. I was bearing my testimony, and allowing the spirit to work through me. I was loving how I felt, knowing that I was helping someone find the truth, and that God was happy with my efforts!
Josephine is so golden, she has already read the book of Mormon, and has told me herself she could feel it was true. I felt like a missionary  go figure. It took awhile, but I stayed persistent  and she met with the missionaries. I knew she was one who the Lord had prepared to accept and receive this gospel. And I was the one who was able to help her find it. I felt such love for her. I could feel how much heavenly father loved her! Her husband and children are even coming around.

At first I thought to myself that this was just how the Lord works sometimes, he prepares people for us, we heed to a prompting and we move forward with our lives.

It occurred to me once the feelings to serve came back, that God was showing me that he has faith in me; that I can serve, and be a blessing to many peoples life. And that is when I received the answer that I should go. I should pray, I should fast, I should prepare... NOW.

While over looking a journal entry back in the beginning of May, I found a pros and cons list of serving a mission. I had more pros than cons, and to be able to feel comfortable with the list of cons, I need to have faith that God will take care of my family while I am gone, and that I will have help through the moments of over shadowing doubt that I have felt before.

It is not about numbers people. I could come home, after a year and a half of spiritually, mentally, and physically exhausting experiences... and not witness one baptism. I could go, and work harder than I ever have before, and see no fruits of my efforts.
But I will come back a changed women. I will come back truly converted to the gospel, and witness the biggest test and trial of my faith...

The reality is, the atonement is real. It has changed my whole course of action, and made me who I am. I am the happiest I have ever been, and that is because of Christ, my savior. As a missionary, its our job to invite others to come unto Christ. I could share the gospel with someone who has never heard it before, but I can also reach out to those who have lost their way.

I want to help bring all God's beloved children back to him. I can promise that God wants to bless us and loves us so much, and I can do so because the Holy Ghost has testified this to me.

I will stand as a witness that God lives.

I am going to serve a mission for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
And there is so much peace that comes to me, to know I have made a choice to follow heavenly fathers map.

To serve, or not to serve...

Lately, I have been thinking about serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Yep, 18 months away from home, away from my parents, my friends, my ward, my job...

Ever since I was baptized, I have considered a mission. I prayed about it, received a weird answer that made no sense, and eventually that strong desire tapered off, and I stopped thinking about serving a mission. For a moment, I thought that I should prepare myself for marriage, because the answer I got was "not now" and when I prayed about a date to prepare my papers, my answer was prepare for the temple. Well, what on earth does that mean!? I gave up praying about it for awhile, thinking about Joseph Smith and the lost 116 pages, and I thought to myself, If  I keep testing God's answers, I am going to get something I don't want; something He may not want for me. So, I started dating, and filled my time focusing less and less on sharing the gospel. I noticed when I made the choice to stop preparing to serve a mission, I seemed to go around, not noticing missionary opportunities, and feeling less of the fire that I was feeling. I took this matter to my Father in heaven, and asked why I was feeling less fired up. I remember sitting on my bed, praying for an answer. I waited quietly with my journal in my lap and a pen in my hand, ready to write down whatever promptings came to me. I felt impressed to make a list of things I was doing and to compare them with the present moment. The first thing I wrote down was that I was preparing to serve a mission! Now, of course this was something I noticed on my own, whether it was an answer to my prayers I still don't know. It sat pretty strong in my heart that the most powerful time in my life was when I was considering a mission.

Something that keeps me from wanting to serve a mission is marriage and the opportunity to do so. I have always wanted to get married. Now that I understand that marriage is huge part of the plan of salvation, I desire this thing even more. Having said that though, I have felt impressed upon me for some time now, that the Lord really could use me and my example to bring others unto Christ. It is important as a disciple of Christ, to do what the lord asks you to do. Willingly submitting to his commands, brings the greatest blessings to your life, and His plan for you is always better than your own plan.

On Sunday I fasted about this matter, trying once more to receive some sort of guidance to help me make a choice. As a sister I can serve at any time as long as I am not married, and I have been asking myself the pressing question: to serve or not to serve. I worry about a few things when I think about leaving... What about my mom? How will she hold up if she doesn't have me around for a year and a half? Living in a different state for school or a job is different than serving a mission. There are texts and phone calls, on a regular basis, and even coming back to visit. While on a mission there are emails and letters yes, and a couple calls, maybe 3 depending on when I left and how mothers day and Christmas fall... but that is it! I think about my poor baby kitty. Yes, worrying about my pet is a stupid thing to worry about, but anyone that knows me knows very well, she is practically my child. I have had her since she was a tiny kitten, and her companionship was a tender mercy during a really rough time in my life. I hear horror stories of peoples favorite pets passing away while they were on their mission. What if she gets so depressed she dies? I would be so sad, and as silly as it is, maybe even heart broken. I always get a weird gut feeling when I think about these things. I can picture myself getting home sick, and wanting to go home, but I would hate myself for doing so! Are these valid reasons to not serve the Lord?

A recent missionary experience has brought me to feel such a strong love for people I can serve, and has made me want to be a missionary some day. I have changed my own life because of the gospel, why wouldn't I want to share this with others?
While thinking about the spirit I felt when I shared the gospel with Josephine(I mention her in my last post, she is the person I am helping learn about the gospel), I feel such a desire to do this full time. The fear of serving a mission dissipates a little, and I feel more excited and sure... I know I want to help others come unto Christ, and feel the way I do!

During a spiritual thought at FHE last night, Sarah (our relief society president and a wonderful woman in our ward) said something about answers to prayers, and how we can make a choice to do something and God will either help us get there or give us a stupor of thought to help us think about the choice we made, and help us see its not what we should do. I have been in this deep thought for awhile now, and wanted to blog to get it off my chest. Watch out world, I very well might be serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints!