My thoughts have been filled with missionary things lately. Skirts and dresses, preach my gospel and scriptures, mission calls and maps, pointing out the 300+ places I could be assigned to labor. I have gotten very little sleep lately, because I have been laying in bed, wide awake, thinking about what I am getting myself into. The reality of my mission call is real ladies and gentlemen. I finished my mission papers last week, and now all I do is wait. Wait for paper submission, wait for my call. Wait for the temple. Wait for the MTC.
Lots of waiting.
As I wait though, I have been thinking of many things, and my heart has learned so much the past few months. In reality, it was this past weekend that I learned the most, and came to the realization that serving the Lord is exactly what I want to do right now. On Saturday, my ward had a baptism for a girl named Angelica. She is here on a work visa from Brazil, and is the sweetest spirit ever.
I was blessed to be able to be present as she bravely entered the waters of baptism. Her service was so beautiful and spiritual. The spirit testified to me that baptism is so important, and I was brought to tears as I was moved by the Holy Ghost. I was sitting one row behind Angelica, and was able to watch her feel the love that heavenly father has for her. I was amazed at how graceful the spirit weaved in and out of everyone in that stake center.
There was a moment where Ilyssa, a girl in my ward with an incredible singing voice, sang a song called the painters hands. The music was incredible, and made all of us cry. The words touched each of us, as we all learned that we are being sculpted by our master, and someday, we will all be perfect masterpieces. Here is the best part: Angelica is learning English. It was difficult for her to understand what was being said in the song, but her spirit recognized the truth of the words, and she had big tears rolling down her cheeks. The spirit only needs truth. It doesn't need flowery words, or elaborate things, just the plain and simple truth that Christ is our savior, and through Him, anything is possible. It truly was a humbling experience, and I was feeling so spiritually fed. After the baptism was over, all I could keep thinking was how excited I am to witness precious, once in a lifetime moments like this all the time while I am on my mission.
While sitting there in the same place I was baptized 7 months before, I just kept thinking to myself. Where would I be if I hadn't of gotten baptized? Would I still be investigating and praying? Would I have made the choice to live a sober life? The answers to these questions haunted me. I didn't like what I imagined in my head. I was a mess before I joined the church. Not a mess like a meth addict... but I was without a doubt a hot mess of crazy. My life was literally going no where. And I was in so much pain from all the relationship problems I had managed to escape by some miracle. I was lost and confused, and I couldn't see a way out.
And then, I learned about the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Two missionaries, followed a referral from Mormon.org and came to my door. I was ready to try one more time, and really see if it was all true. I threw all the misconceptions I had heard about the church out the window, and opened my heart to what they had to say. The feeling the spirit gave me in that lesson was exactly as how I imagined Angelica felt during the song that was sung at her baptism. I KNEW. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God wanted to forgive me for my sins, and heal me from my pain, and because He wanted these things and loved me so dearly, He gave me his son. Christ died not only for my sins, but also for my heart ache, and my sorrow, and my confusion. For everything I have felt, I have a savior who knows EXACTLY what I went through. I could feel the spirit testify to me this very simple truth and I am forever grateful for that moment. I will never forget it.
As I prepare to submit my mission papers (62 days and counting), I do my best to think about this one thing every day. How can I preach the gospel of change to others, if I haven't witnessed its changing affects in my own life? How can I be passionate, if I overlook the very moment my testimony grew from a seed to a tree? The reality of this, is I cant be a missionary if I forget all of this. If I put the atonement of Christ on the back burner, my mission will become an 18 month waste, where I walk around just as blank and lost as before.
I cant forget Gods love. I wont forget it. I have been made beautiful and pure through baptism, I have stepped foot on the path back to my Father, and there is plenty of room for others to step on too. I cant wait to serve the Lord, and bring His children the happiness and the freedom I have been given. I love this gospel with everything I am, and with everything I have the potential to become.
I know that God restored this gospel to its fullness, through the prophet Joseph Smith, and because this happened, I can read my Book of Mormon every day, feel the spirit and gain a testimony all over again. I know Jesus Christ is my redeemer. I am no longer feeling hopeless and afraid. God is so good. His grace is a gift of strength, and I feel it every day. I feel it now.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Thursday, September 5, 2013
The ABC's of Gospel Life
The last month has been non stop with dreams about my future mission. On top of that though, its been doctor appointments, work, studying, and lots of prayer. There are a billion things stressing me out! I don't need to stress or worry, realistically, I have a good plan, and a back up plan.... but, life still happens, and I am learning that the adversary has clever ways to get to me, and somehow, God always takes over the battle when I cant fight any more. So here I go, updating my blog, in alphabetical order (:
Acceptance.
In my particular situation I have came to accept that I will loose almost all of my belongings. I will be sleeping on a couch sharing a one bedroom apartment with my mom. I will have no vacation days, no sick days, and will most likely work right up until I leave for my mission. I will leave this job, knowing perfectly it was the best paying job I have ever had, and I may not find a position quiet like it for a long time to come.
I will have no fun on my expense including: eating out, shopping for things that aren't necessary for a mission, no eye brow waxing, hair cuts, or trips to jump street. Every penny has a place to go. Between covering the medical expenses, paying off my school loan, keeping up on my bills, moving from my apartment to a smaller cheaper one, and having savings to fall back on while I am away, every cent is accounted for. No more facebook, texting, girls nights or institute. No more sleeping in. No more dating. I may even miss out on the chance to be with the guy I fell in love with months ago. Ill miss weddings, birthdays, births...
I have came to accept these things. These are small sacrifices on the scheme of things that I will be giving up in order to serve the Lord for 18 months. It has been relatively easy for me to accept these things, because my desire to serve is so strong. What has been harder to accept though, are things that have been pressed into my head in the last few days.
My Uncle Wayne is very sick with cancer, and has been fighting it for a few years now. A few months ago he was given just a few short weeks to live, but by some grace of God he is still here. He recently had tracheotomy surgery, and things seem to be getting progressively worse. His son (who might as well be my brother) is currently awaiting a lung transplant as he suffers from cystic fibrosis. All of this is happening under the same roof in a small Missouri town.
I simply ignore that this is going on. Every time I allow myself to think about it, my heart breaks, I search the scriptures, and cry, trying to think of what I could possibly do to save their lives and make things better. I have had to recognize that I may loose my uncle, and possibly my brother, while I am away on my mission. This is nearly impossible to accept. I promised myself that unless one of my parents pass away, I will not come home. To make things perfectly clear, I LOVE my family so much, but I love the Lord and this gospel and unless given an extreme circumstance I anticipate serving a full mission. Ill be honest, it is scary to think about. It causes me grief and sorrow. It pains me.
I know about the plan of salvation, I know my family can be together forever. Yet, I fear I will loose my families love and support. The last thing I want, is to convey selfishness because I stay in the mission field if one of these instances occur. I am afraid of what could come, and even more afraid to not be there for them when it happens. I have prayed for understanding of this fear, and the only thing I can come up with is that I am human, and I will find things that are unsettling.
I have had to accept this. It could happen. It might not. Prayer is not meant to change Heavenly Fathers will, it is meant to allow ourselves to come into alignment with His will for us. It may not be God's will that my uncle is healed, or that my brother gets his lung transplant. I don't know what His plan is for them. But I do know, that He is not any less mindful of them while they suffer affliction. I know God's plan is beautiful and I may not be able to understand it. It has been difficult to accept these fears and exercise my faith, but I am doing it, and dropping many sincere prayers along the way.
Be Bold
Last night in institute, we talked about sharing the gospel and how it is a lot like fly fishing. We need to use 'Mormon words' and get people to ask questions. For instance:
A non member friend, co worker, or family member asks, "What did you do this weekend?''
Your response? "Oh! My weekend was great, I went visiting teaching! And tonight, I have Family Home Evening!"
Anyone unfamiliar with these terms is obviously going to ask questions. People all over are searching for the truth, and know not where to find it. We have the answers, and we need to make a serious effort to share this amazing gospel. When Christ comes, and He will, think about all the people who knew we were Mormon. They will learn that we had the truth, and we never opened our mouths and told them about it.
We cant be afraid of rejection, because rejection will occur sometimes. Just get over that...
We need to be planting those mustard seeds, and being more bold with our religion. God helped us bring fourth this country. America was founded and built upon religious freedom. Why? So Joseph Smith could have the freedom to kneel down in a grove of trees and the restoration of the gospel could be brought fourth. We don't check our religion at the door, and we don't need a name tag to be missionaries. The work is hastening, I know this is a sure fact.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I read a story in mission prep that was about one of the first missionaries to serve, Samuel Smith. He did not baptize anyone on his mission, but he gave away two copies of the Book of Mormon, that later caused a whole neighborhood to be baptized, and one of those copies of the book landed in the hands of Brigham Young, who converted to the church, and later became a prophet! Although Elder Smith did not see the fruits of his labors, God was weaving him in and out, placing him exactly where he needed to be. God sees the whole picture where as we only see one little part.
As I prepare to serve a mission, I am learning to be more bold. More bold in my acceptance and sacrifice, more bold in embracing gospel truths, and more bold in loving my heavenly father enough to teach His children.
I believe in Christ.
We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost-Articles of Faith 1:4
I have been contemplating moving my availability date up, just a few days sooner. Every time I get comfortable with a date, I go crazy trying to find a way to make it happen sooner. I still have no clue if it is an impression from the Lord, telling me to go sooner rather than later, or if it is me being too anxious about serving a mission. Of course I pray about this every time I am reminded (which is like a million times a day), but I still have not seen a clear vision of when I need to leave.
It has hit me recently, that the Lord has already called me to serve a mission. He has already given me confirmation it is what I need to do, and I know he trusts me to teach His children. He needs me on a mission, and it doesn't really matter when my stake president hits the submit button and sends my papers to Salt Lake City, the Lord will send me where He needs me most, and I will leave on His watch, not mine.
Trusting the the Lords timing, and accepting His will for me has been huge on many accounts.
But let me tell you one thing:
I am changing, and becoming truly converted to the gospel.
And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up--D&C 84:88
Christ is the most important person in my life. He is my savior. He has redeemed me from my sins, and Him and I are working together to perfect all my imperfections. I am learning to trust Him, and let Him take me to where ever I am needed.
My faith in Jesus Christ has grown tremendously since choosing to serve a mission.
Things have came my way that I could not do by myself. I have over came things I never thought I would, forgiven when I didn't think I could, and been loved when I did not think I was worthy of His grace.
Christ and His atoning sacrifice have changed the shape of my heart.
I like to imagine my heart being similar to the Grinch, once small and cold, now huge, burning with the light of Christ and His love.
Only Jesus Christ can change a heart for the better. And I am a poster child for the healing power of the atonement.
The past 6 months, almost 7, have been incredible.
I have learned to depend on my faith, and my ever loving Father in heaven, because it is all I really have. I have learned to enlighten my soul with power from on high, allowing myself to become fully encircled in the beauty of the gospel and all of its great tidings.
(skipping a few letters here...)
I testify that God is with us every step of the way. I know He has been guiding me, taking me places I never thought I would be. He is doing the same with you, right now, whether you notice it or not. God lives! And He Loves!
Life is hard. It is confusing. My eyes have surely been opened though, and I can see the path ahead of me slowly shape into the straight and narrow, leading me back to my father.
Embrace your family, embrace the tender mercies. Live the gospel and share it every chance you get.
Know that God loves you, and that His plan is wonderful. It might be like walking in a maze blindfolded, but with faith, and trust, you are being guided, and your eyes may be clouded, but your heart will be purified.
I promise.
<3
Acceptance.
In my particular situation I have came to accept that I will loose almost all of my belongings. I will be sleeping on a couch sharing a one bedroom apartment with my mom. I will have no vacation days, no sick days, and will most likely work right up until I leave for my mission. I will leave this job, knowing perfectly it was the best paying job I have ever had, and I may not find a position quiet like it for a long time to come.
I will have no fun on my expense including: eating out, shopping for things that aren't necessary for a mission, no eye brow waxing, hair cuts, or trips to jump street. Every penny has a place to go. Between covering the medical expenses, paying off my school loan, keeping up on my bills, moving from my apartment to a smaller cheaper one, and having savings to fall back on while I am away, every cent is accounted for. No more facebook, texting, girls nights or institute. No more sleeping in. No more dating. I may even miss out on the chance to be with the guy I fell in love with months ago. Ill miss weddings, birthdays, births...
I have came to accept these things. These are small sacrifices on the scheme of things that I will be giving up in order to serve the Lord for 18 months. It has been relatively easy for me to accept these things, because my desire to serve is so strong. What has been harder to accept though, are things that have been pressed into my head in the last few days.
My Uncle Wayne is very sick with cancer, and has been fighting it for a few years now. A few months ago he was given just a few short weeks to live, but by some grace of God he is still here. He recently had tracheotomy surgery, and things seem to be getting progressively worse. His son (who might as well be my brother) is currently awaiting a lung transplant as he suffers from cystic fibrosis. All of this is happening under the same roof in a small Missouri town.
I simply ignore that this is going on. Every time I allow myself to think about it, my heart breaks, I search the scriptures, and cry, trying to think of what I could possibly do to save their lives and make things better. I have had to recognize that I may loose my uncle, and possibly my brother, while I am away on my mission. This is nearly impossible to accept. I promised myself that unless one of my parents pass away, I will not come home. To make things perfectly clear, I LOVE my family so much, but I love the Lord and this gospel and unless given an extreme circumstance I anticipate serving a full mission. Ill be honest, it is scary to think about. It causes me grief and sorrow. It pains me.
I know about the plan of salvation, I know my family can be together forever. Yet, I fear I will loose my families love and support. The last thing I want, is to convey selfishness because I stay in the mission field if one of these instances occur. I am afraid of what could come, and even more afraid to not be there for them when it happens. I have prayed for understanding of this fear, and the only thing I can come up with is that I am human, and I will find things that are unsettling.
I have had to accept this. It could happen. It might not. Prayer is not meant to change Heavenly Fathers will, it is meant to allow ourselves to come into alignment with His will for us. It may not be God's will that my uncle is healed, or that my brother gets his lung transplant. I don't know what His plan is for them. But I do know, that He is not any less mindful of them while they suffer affliction. I know God's plan is beautiful and I may not be able to understand it. It has been difficult to accept these fears and exercise my faith, but I am doing it, and dropping many sincere prayers along the way.
Be Bold
Last night in institute, we talked about sharing the gospel and how it is a lot like fly fishing. We need to use 'Mormon words' and get people to ask questions. For instance:
A non member friend, co worker, or family member asks, "What did you do this weekend?''
Your response? "Oh! My weekend was great, I went visiting teaching! And tonight, I have Family Home Evening!"
Anyone unfamiliar with these terms is obviously going to ask questions. People all over are searching for the truth, and know not where to find it. We have the answers, and we need to make a serious effort to share this amazing gospel. When Christ comes, and He will, think about all the people who knew we were Mormon. They will learn that we had the truth, and we never opened our mouths and told them about it.
We cant be afraid of rejection, because rejection will occur sometimes. Just get over that...
We need to be planting those mustard seeds, and being more bold with our religion. God helped us bring fourth this country. America was founded and built upon religious freedom. Why? So Joseph Smith could have the freedom to kneel down in a grove of trees and the restoration of the gospel could be brought fourth. We don't check our religion at the door, and we don't need a name tag to be missionaries. The work is hastening, I know this is a sure fact.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I read a story in mission prep that was about one of the first missionaries to serve, Samuel Smith. He did not baptize anyone on his mission, but he gave away two copies of the Book of Mormon, that later caused a whole neighborhood to be baptized, and one of those copies of the book landed in the hands of Brigham Young, who converted to the church, and later became a prophet! Although Elder Smith did not see the fruits of his labors, God was weaving him in and out, placing him exactly where he needed to be. God sees the whole picture where as we only see one little part.
As I prepare to serve a mission, I am learning to be more bold. More bold in my acceptance and sacrifice, more bold in embracing gospel truths, and more bold in loving my heavenly father enough to teach His children.
I believe in Christ.
We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost-Articles of Faith 1:4
I have been contemplating moving my availability date up, just a few days sooner. Every time I get comfortable with a date, I go crazy trying to find a way to make it happen sooner. I still have no clue if it is an impression from the Lord, telling me to go sooner rather than later, or if it is me being too anxious about serving a mission. Of course I pray about this every time I am reminded (which is like a million times a day), but I still have not seen a clear vision of when I need to leave.
It has hit me recently, that the Lord has already called me to serve a mission. He has already given me confirmation it is what I need to do, and I know he trusts me to teach His children. He needs me on a mission, and it doesn't really matter when my stake president hits the submit button and sends my papers to Salt Lake City, the Lord will send me where He needs me most, and I will leave on His watch, not mine.
Trusting the the Lords timing, and accepting His will for me has been huge on many accounts.
But let me tell you one thing:
I am changing, and becoming truly converted to the gospel.
And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up--D&C 84:88
Christ is the most important person in my life. He is my savior. He has redeemed me from my sins, and Him and I are working together to perfect all my imperfections. I am learning to trust Him, and let Him take me to where ever I am needed.
My faith in Jesus Christ has grown tremendously since choosing to serve a mission.
Things have came my way that I could not do by myself. I have over came things I never thought I would, forgiven when I didn't think I could, and been loved when I did not think I was worthy of His grace.
Christ and His atoning sacrifice have changed the shape of my heart.
I like to imagine my heart being similar to the Grinch, once small and cold, now huge, burning with the light of Christ and His love.
Only Jesus Christ can change a heart for the better. And I am a poster child for the healing power of the atonement.
The past 6 months, almost 7, have been incredible.
I have learned to depend on my faith, and my ever loving Father in heaven, because it is all I really have. I have learned to enlighten my soul with power from on high, allowing myself to become fully encircled in the beauty of the gospel and all of its great tidings.
(skipping a few letters here...)
I testify that God is with us every step of the way. I know He has been guiding me, taking me places I never thought I would be. He is doing the same with you, right now, whether you notice it or not. God lives! And He Loves!
Life is hard. It is confusing. My eyes have surely been opened though, and I can see the path ahead of me slowly shape into the straight and narrow, leading me back to my father.
Embrace your family, embrace the tender mercies. Live the gospel and share it every chance you get.
Know that God loves you, and that His plan is wonderful. It might be like walking in a maze blindfolded, but with faith, and trust, you are being guided, and your eyes may be clouded, but your heart will be purified.
I promise.
<3
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