Lately, I have been thinking about serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Yep, 18 months away from home, away from my parents, my friends, my ward, my job...
Ever since I was baptized, I have considered a mission. I prayed about it, received a weird answer that made no sense, and eventually that strong desire tapered off, and I stopped thinking about serving a mission. For a moment, I thought that I should prepare myself for marriage, because the answer I got was "not now" and when I prayed about a date to prepare my papers, my answer was prepare for the temple. Well, what on earth does that mean!? I gave up praying about it for awhile, thinking about Joseph Smith and the lost 116 pages, and I thought to myself, If I keep testing God's answers, I am going to get something I don't want; something He may not want for me. So, I started dating, and filled my time focusing less and less on sharing the gospel. I noticed when I made the choice to stop preparing to serve a mission, I seemed to go around, not noticing missionary opportunities, and feeling less of the fire that I was feeling. I took this matter to my Father in heaven, and asked why I was feeling less fired up. I remember sitting on my bed, praying for an answer. I waited quietly with my journal in my lap and a pen in my hand, ready to write down whatever promptings came to me. I felt impressed to make a list of things I was doing and to compare them with the present moment. The first thing I wrote down was that I was preparing to serve a mission! Now, of course this was something I noticed on my own, whether it was an answer to my prayers I still don't know. It sat pretty strong in my heart that the most powerful time in my life was when I was considering a mission.
Something that keeps me from wanting to serve a mission is marriage and the opportunity to do so. I have always wanted to get married. Now that I understand that marriage is huge part of the plan of salvation, I desire this thing even more. Having said that though, I have felt impressed upon me for some time now, that the Lord really could use me and my example to bring others unto Christ. It is important as a disciple of Christ, to do what the lord asks you to do. Willingly submitting to his commands, brings the greatest blessings to your life, and His plan for you is always better than your own plan.
On Sunday I fasted about this matter, trying once more to receive some sort of guidance to help me make a choice. As a sister I can serve at any time as long as I am not married, and I have been asking myself the pressing question: to serve or not to serve. I worry about a few things when I think about leaving... What about my mom? How will she hold up if she doesn't have me around for a year and a half? Living in a different state for school or a job is different than serving a mission. There are texts and phone calls, on a regular basis, and even coming back to visit. While on a mission there are emails and letters yes, and a couple calls, maybe 3 depending on when I left and how mothers day and Christmas fall... but that is it! I think about my poor baby kitty. Yes, worrying about my pet is a stupid thing to worry about, but anyone that knows me knows very well, she is practically my child. I have had her since she was a tiny kitten, and her companionship was a tender mercy during a really rough time in my life. I hear horror stories of peoples favorite pets passing away while they were on their mission. What if she gets so depressed she dies? I would be so sad, and as silly as it is, maybe even heart broken. I always get a weird gut feeling when I think about these things. I can picture myself getting home sick, and wanting to go home, but I would hate myself for doing so! Are these valid reasons to not serve the Lord?
A recent missionary experience has brought me to feel such a strong love for people I can serve, and has made me want to be a missionary some day. I have changed my own life because of the gospel, why wouldn't I want to share this with others?
While thinking about the spirit I felt when I shared the gospel with Josephine(I mention her in my last post, she is the person I am helping learn about the gospel), I feel such a desire to do this full time. The fear of serving a mission dissipates a little, and I feel more excited and sure... I know I want to help others come unto Christ, and feel the way I do!
During a spiritual thought at FHE last night, Sarah (our relief society president and a wonderful woman in our ward) said something about answers to prayers, and how we can make a choice to do something and God will either help us get there or give us a stupor of thought to help us think about the choice we made, and help us see its not what we should do. I have been in this deep thought for awhile now, and wanted to blog to get it off my chest. Watch out world, I very well might be serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints!
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