It is natural to doubt. Doubt is really apart of faith. At one point I doubted the Book of Mormons authenticity, I doubted the church, and look at me now! I have doubted myself and my abilities, and because of my new found faith, I have overcame them.
Yes, doubt is a tool of the adversary, and yes, we know God doesn't give us doubt. But we are human, we are imperfect, and we are out in the open for the adversary to grab us. Even Sariah, Lehi's wife, demonstrates some doubt in the beginning of the Book of Mormon. She fears her children perished in the wilderness, and she did not receive a witness until after the trial of her faith, when her sons returned safely with the plates in hand.
If anyone is reading this blog and thinking,"wow, I have never felt afraid or full of doubt, the adversary must have never had an effect on me!" I would love to speak with you, and find out how you move forward so perfectly, and stay out of Satan's grasp. Then, I will tell you that I know you are bluffing!
I am sure at some point we all have felt afraid to move forward in faith. After all, we read in Alma 32:21, that faith is hoping for things which are not seen, but are true. Sometimes taking a step in the dark, is scary. We are afraid we are going to trip and fall, hurt ourselves and never find the light switch. My choice to serve a mission has kind of been like that.
I can feel the adversary at his best, let me tell ya.
I prayed for months to receive an answer. I really do want to serve, and I want to know what God's will is for me. Telling people about my choice has been for the most part happy. My friends, and my bishop have been overwhelmingly supportive about my choice. I think Bishop Reynolds even used the term 'tickled pink' to describe how he felt. My mom, sad about the missionary rules of contacting home, and a little scared, is for the most part supportive. She will really have an empty nest when I leave, and it will take getting use to. It makes me feel sad, that it will be so hard on her. She is not a member of the church, and without the testimony of missionary service and the understanding of its importance, watching her daughter leave to serve the Lord for 18 months will bring up a lot of emotion. To be honest, I fear she will blame the church for 'taking' me away from her, so I am doing the best I can to explain that this is my choice, and the Lord's will for me. Over time, she will see how happy I am, and how much good I am doing. Or at least I can have faith the Lord will make his hand obvious in her life, while I am away. I love my mom so much, and leaving her will be the hardest thing for me to do--but the Lord's way is not always the easiest way. As I read in 1 Nephi 3:7, the lord has prepared a way for me to follow his command, and part of that preparation, is making sure she is taken care of; and my baby kitty too.
I have been letting go of the fears this past week. Leaving my mom, and my kitty, my friends, and my relationship,... My job was one of the things that was holding me back too. I am making good money, getting good training I haven't been able to find anywhere else, and I worked so hard for so long to get here. years actually. I love being a dental assistant, I love my pay checks, my schedule, and even though my doctor drives me crazy, I love the guy too. I have been talking to my co workers about the possibility of a mission for quiet some time. Today when I came in, I told Roberta that I had made my final choice, and I was going to serve, the look of sheer panic came over her.
"What about me!? you cant leave me all alone in this office!"
"What does this mean? When do you leave?"
I felt bad. I felt like I was leaving everyone in the office hanging by a string when I told them. I don't know when exactly I leave, nor do I know where I am going or when I will actually leave work and turn in my notice. I have been in charge of stuff in the office no one really knows how to do. It was a bit of a nightmare. I still have yet to tell my boss... I probably wont tell him until I send in my papers in a few months.
I felt sad when I sent in the request for the office picture to be printed to hang in our office. There I am, part of the team, and it has taken me months to feel that way. Not too far from now, the picture will have to be replaced, because I will no longer be here. Am I really giving up something I worked so hard for, to leave it all?
yep. I sure am.
This is hard. This is terrifying. I start my count down Friday, as I begin studying Doctrine and Covenants, one section a day, until President Jones hits the 'submit' button and my papers go to salt lake. The realization is hitting me a bit more every day. Sometimes in waves of excitement, as I read missionary letters I receive. I read emails and blogs from the friends I have currently serving, and I fall in love with missionary work. My mind travels to the not so distant future, where I am crashing on my bike, getting doors slammed in my face, and teaching with the spirit to everyone I meet. I am excited!
But then, I think about packing, and the final days leading up to my departure out of Colorado.
I think about the tears I will shed when I say good bye to my family and friends. I think about the day I walk out of my work building for the last time.
I have heard some people say, "don't worry, you have plenty of time. You don't prepare your papers until December, that is only 4 months away."
What on earth are they talking about.
I have so much to do between now and January when my papers are in. That is not a lot of time. AT ALL. And anyone who has made the choice to serve, especially sisters, knows how scary and difficult the choice can be.
In my scripture studies the past couple of days, I have seen so many connections to missionary service. The Lord is doing what is necessary to prepare me for this endeavor. I am scared, but He is confirming to me that this is right for me-- and I have found some peace in the midst of it all. I am happy and anxious, and I have been given a timeline, and an order, to keep me occupied and on top of things, to help ease the nerves.
I have been given help to fund my mission, just when I feared I would not have any opportunity to go because of money. Heavenly Father is SO mindful of me. The truth is, He is mindful of all His children, and He knows exactly what they need. My faith will deliver me from fear and doubt; I know this is true.
I know this church is true. Despite what many will say, no matter how often I get rejected and scoffed at, I know this gospel is real.
Christ did not have it easy, this we all know. As a representative of Christ, I will be of no exception.
This will be the hardest thing I ever do.
But I will be blessed, and as I stand up for God and His gospel, He will be on my right hand and on my left, gently guiding me to whom He has prepared.
I am ready for this. Almost. (:
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