Young, Single, and Mormon

Dating in the Mormon culture is so different than what I am use to. being a young single adult in the YSA ward, is like homeroom in high school: Dramatic.
I came to church on Sunday, after bringing my date to a singles activity we had the day before, at least 7 different people asked me about who I was dating.
I was bombarded with questions and comments like:
"Is he a member?"
"Where did he serve a mission?"
"Have you DTR yet?" (Determined the relationship)
"congratulations on the dating! you have been a member long enough now, might as well prepare for the temple!"

Because our ward is so small word travels really, really fast. Guys who may have been interested but never said anything start to randomly talk to you, asking questions about the guy. Girls who are observant make a point to ask if they are returned missionaries, and then get excited about the details of the date. When you begin to date, for a moment, you are in the spotlight. Everyone wants to know about it! When people find out the person you are dating is in another ward, you are called a 'ward hopper' and everyone gets concerned about why you wont date someone in your own ward.
Holding hands during sacrament becomes the conversation of Sunday school hour, and Monday night during FHE everyone has their eye on you, trying to see if your relationship is public yet.
A kiss is a huge deal in Mormon world, and after 3 months of serious dating, everyone stares at your left hand, awaiting the moment you walk into institute class with a rock on it.

Just in the 4 short months of me being a member, I have been invited to 6 wedding receptions, and heard about 3 engagements. The general authorities teach that when both parties in a relationship have received confirmation from their heavenly father that they should marry, they should do it as soon as possible. We, as members of the church, are taught to marry the right person, at the right time, in the right place, being the temple. I have been thinking a lot about marriage and love lately. It is something I pray for daily, and really look forward to when heavenly Father decides it is time. Among the craziness of dating while attending the singles ward, sometimes it can be a bit blurry as to what we look for and how we do it. It was said in the movie the Singles Ward, that "to be good enough to for a girl in the bar you just have to hang out for a few hours. In the church, you have to be good enough for eternity." This statement is more or less the truth in the church. As a member I date a lot differently now. I can be honest and admit that I do evaluate for eternity, after all, forever is a long time to spend with someone you cant stand and aren't madly in love with.

I have been considering some things the general authorities teach, and I have been prayerfully pondering these things lately, and it has been helping me on my journey to finding the right person for me. I still have a long way to go I am sure, but having things to look for is always nice. (: Here is what I found:

Be Worthy:

To me, it seems obvious to be worthy of the person you choose. We all have a 'list' of things we look for in a potential spouse, and sometimes we walk around with our eyes wide open to the faults of others and partially closed to our own faults. I think of the things I look for and ask, Am I this person? I want someone strong in the gospel, who studies their scriptures daily. When I go a few days (and it does happen...) without opening up my scriptures the thought always crosses my mind: how can I expect my husband to be diligent in scripture study, when I cant even do so?  We can not walk into marriage expecting someone to change. We must accept them for who they are, and love them for those things. We cant expect to be the person that changes someone, only Christ has the power to really create a change of heart.
President Hinckley said we should  marry someone we respect and honor. Someone who will compliment us in our own lives, and support us emotionally. He also said "Choose a companion to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty.”. We want this for ourselves, and we should also be willing to be this type of spouse in return.
When I think of this, I become very grateful that I have the guidance of the spirit to help me be better, and the opportunity to fast and have intense prayer about this matter. I know I need help from heavenly father to become willing to fully give myself to my future husband, and I know I will need the guidance to pick the right one. It is a terrifying thought to be in eternity with someone I don't have deep respect and admiration for. Or vice versa. I want to make sure I marry the right person for me, and that I am the right person for them.

Through the eyes of a convert I wonder why we marry so fast in the church. I knew people who got married right out of high school, or in their first year of college. I think the law of chastity has something to do with it. I think we are counseled to get married young to avoid those pitfalls, and to be sure we are chaste and pure for our spouses. Sometimes I wonder what the church would be like if we didn't practice so diligently the law of chastity. Would we still be marrying this young? Would we see marriage as an important part of God's plan of salvation? Today the world seems to be so anti marriage, and we as members of the church seemed to be judged for getting married so quickly, and for treating marriage as sacred as we do. Because I see things from a different light, I realize the importance of the law of chastity, and how it plays a very important role in our marriages. We must be chaste to enter the temple, and chastity is something we will be blessed for if we practice it. When dating, I am always pretty upfront about this matter, expressing how important it is to me to keep the Lords commandment to be chaste, and I expect the upmost respect from men. I dress modestly, I keep my words and actions clean, and I do not put myself in situations where the law of chastity can be broken. We are imperfect people, and on top of being young, it is really difficult to not feel the pressure of the world to have sex, watch pornography, and flush the Lords word down the drain. I think it is important when looking for an eternal companion that we find someone who doesn't take this matter lightly. Too often do us women settle and feel self conscious and feel the need to use our bodies as a way to attract. I've got news for you: A worthy man will love you for your modesty, for your love and commitment to follow the words of Christ, and for your self respect. If he doesn't, MOVE ON. He isn't worth spending eternity with. I think this rule is important for men too. You wouldn't want your daughters growing up without the example of a modest mother, who respects her self and her body. Virtue is important. As parents it is our job to teach our children the law of chastity and prepare them for the very serious covenant we make in the temple when we marry.

There is a really wonderful talk given by John Bytheway titled Especially for young adults: who, when and why we marry. There were several things touched on that I loved, that I have kept in mind as I start to seriously date.
One of which was what carries on into eternity. Like mentioned above, we should find someone we respect and admire, someone loyal and gentle. I think sometimes as young members in todays world, we are really superficial.
His unibrow is too distracting from how incredibly generous and kind he is, and her weight is too heavy to see how loveable her heart is, and how much she loves the Lord. In eternity we gain perfect bodies, without blemish or scar. When we open our heart to others, and learn to get to know them, what isn't attractive at first can become endearing, and that is when we really fall in love. By praying for Heavenly Father's help to become more open to the possibilities around us, and to be less judgmental of others, we might find that by doing so we find our eternal companion. A spirit matched perfectly for ours, disguised in a body that isn't so perfect. After all, we all have physical attributes that aren't that pretty, but learning to see others how God sees them can change our whole perspective.

One of the first pieces of advice I was given by a member of my bishopric, was to serve together as a couple. When we are in service to others, we are in service to our God, and there is no better way to really get to know someone in truth, than to see how they serve and love others. While dating, as things get serious, I have made it a must that we serve together. I can't imagine being married to someone who can't selflessly serve others and enjoy doing so. The pure love of Christ is charity. We want to strive to be like Him. I think as husband and wife you strive together to be Christ like and develop those Christ like attributes. Praying together, studying the scriptures and service together are ways to keep our Savior in the center, and a great way to ensure a healthy, honest, and wonderful marriage.

As I write this blog, a bit scattered in thought, I pray that we all be blessed with an eternal marriage. I pray we find something real and true, like eternity itself. Elder Holland taught in a BYU devotional back in 2000 called How do I love thee, that "Love, doesn't come without effort, or patience, but like salvation itself, is a gift given from God, to the true followers of His son Jesus Christ." I know that through Christ and His perfect example, we can follow in His steps and receive the promised blessing of eternal marriage. through obeying his word and striving to perfectly live His commandments, we can find real and pure happiness. I testify this is true, because I know Heavenly Father knows and loves all of His children and wants us to be happy. I love the blessings of the temple, and what being worthy of them can bring us. I am so very thankful for the ability to love others, and for the chance we have been given to marry in His house and be with our families forever.


Here are some links to some talks about love, marriage, and eternity! Check them out! <3

The Eternal Blessings of Marriage: Elder Richard G Scott General Conference April 2011
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-eternal-blessings-of-marriage?lang=eng
 
Especially for young Adults: Who, When, and Why we marry: John Bytheway
http://www.byutv.org/watch/4c051846-936f-46ff-873c-b384c562b7e2/byu-education-week-john-g-bytheway-2003

How Do I Love Thee: Elder Jeffery R Holland BYU Devotional February 2000
http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=326