Since the moment I became a member of the church I have felt impressed that I should serve. In my defense, I had no idea it was a prompting, because I still hadn't learned how I receive revelation, nor was I listening to what the lord wanted for me-- I still was worrying about my own plan and what I wanted for myself.
I was getting my answer confused, overlooking all the sure signs of my future service, and ignoring them.
It all started when I prayed the hardest I had ever prayed for an answer; I remember crying because I just needed to know! That night, I had a dream, that I was walking in what looked to me like Germany, or Italy, with cobblestone ground and rustic buildings. I went and tracted to a door and a woman answered and invited me in. She went into her kitchen to get some hot drinks, and I had a prompting to pray. I got on my knees, and said a prayer, and when I stood up I walked over to her fire place mantle to see pictures of her family strung about. I had noticed that there was only one picture of a little boy, and a bunch of other children. She came back and we sat on the couch, and I immediately told her about how families can be together forever because of the gospel. She began to cry, and she took my hand and said "I have been praying for an answer, see, my oldest child passed away when he was very young, and I have been in pain ever since." I don't remember the remainder of the dream, but her words are clear as a bell, and the spirit I felt, even asleep, was so surreal. I couldn't stop thinking about my dream. Was it an answer to my prayer I had spoken the night before?
Not too long after that I was called as a ward missionary, to help the missionaries and our members to get excited and fired up about missionary work! I can admit, I did think that maybe there was some coincidence there, and maybe, this was just another sure sign. I remember praying and telling God that if he didn't make it obvious, I was more than likely going to miss my answer and not serve. I can also admit that I was hoping he would disguise my answer a little bit. Serving a mission terrifies me. Being away from home for a year and a half, no facebook, texts, family or friends. No girls nights, no naps, no baby kitty (yeah, I am a cat lady), or anything else. It is a serious commitment, and even though I had committed to give the rest of my life to the Lord at baptism, for some reason, serving him for a 18 months seemed to be more than I could handle.
I kept having feelings that overwhelmed me a little; like preparing for the temple. I knew I should start the process.
I thought that meant prepare for marriage,... can you blame me!?
So I began to date, and lose the mindset of a missionary.
Worst mistake I have made since my baptism.
I noticed I wasn't feeling the guidance of the spirit as often or as strongly, and my judgment seemed to be cloudy. I was struggling to hold my head above water, resist temptation, and feel the fire that I was feeling just weeks before. I began praying to know why on earth I was feeling the way I was, and how I can fix it. I wanted to be burning with the light of Christ again, but I couldn't put my finger on it! It didn't take too long, for me to realize the only thing I was doing differently was preparing myself for a mission. um, DUH! I began to ponder, and question why I was so afraid to serve. What was it that intimidated me so much?
Then I met Josephine, an incredible woman in Michigan, who contacted me after a piece of advice I left on an LDS page on facebook. For whatever reason, out of many who bore their testimony and offered up ways for her to learn more about the church, she contacted ME. I was more than happy to email her back and fourth and answer all her questions to the best of my ability. I didn't notice at the time, but I was sharing the gospel with her like Elder Pedro and Elder Fidika had taught me to do, straight from PMG. I was bearing my testimony, and allowing the spirit to work through me. I was loving how I felt, knowing that I was helping someone find the truth, and that God was happy with my efforts!
Josephine is so golden, she has already read the book of Mormon, and has told me herself she could feel it was true. I felt like a missionary go figure. It took awhile, but I stayed persistent and she met with the missionaries. I knew she was one who the Lord had prepared to accept and receive this gospel. And I was the one who was able to help her find it. I felt such love for her. I could feel how much heavenly father loved her! Her husband and children are even coming around.
At first I thought to myself that this was just how the Lord works sometimes, he prepares people for us, we heed to a prompting and we move forward with our lives.
It occurred to me once the feelings to serve came back, that God was showing me that he has faith in me; that I can serve, and be a blessing to many peoples life. And that is when I received the answer that I should go. I should pray, I should fast, I should prepare... NOW.
While over looking a journal entry back in the beginning of May, I found a pros and cons list of serving a mission. I had more pros than cons, and to be able to feel comfortable with the list of cons, I need to have faith that God will take care of my family while I am gone, and that I will have help through the moments of over shadowing doubt that I have felt before.
It is not about numbers people. I could come home, after a year and a half of spiritually, mentally, and physically exhausting experiences... and not witness one baptism. I could go, and work harder than I ever have before, and see no fruits of my efforts.
But I will come back a changed women. I will come back truly converted to the gospel, and witness the biggest test and trial of my faith...
The reality is, the atonement is real. It has changed my whole course of action, and made me who I am. I am the happiest I have ever been, and that is because of Christ, my savior. As a missionary, its our job to invite others to come unto Christ. I could share the gospel with someone who has never heard it before, but I can also reach out to those who have lost their way.
I want to help bring all God's beloved children back to him. I can promise that God wants to bless us and loves us so much, and I can do so because the Holy Ghost has testified this to me.
I will stand as a witness that God lives.
I am going to serve a mission for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
And there is so much peace that comes to me, to know I have made a choice to follow heavenly fathers map.
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